we seek what we already have
by RollerYogaDisco
Summary: They almost said they loved each other, they almost kissed, they almost danced in the moonlight that night, but almost isn't good enough. / 30 drabbles, 30 things Azula and Ty Lee almost did.
1. kissed

_kissed_

Azula looked like the sun that night.

Bright, burning. But she was more like a gasoline fire because the minute she left her ninth birthday party she was alone and it was hours before sunrise and she had burnt out that quickly. She was lying down on damp grass gazing up, up, up and there was nothing. The smog blocked out the stars.

"Hi. I followed you," chirped a voice above her, kneeling by the limp body of the supernova gone dark. "Did something happen? Am I allowed to ask if something happened?"

Azula looked up at her. Ty Lee was staring at her lips and Azula's eyes moved to look at Ty Lee's. Azula's were torn by her teeth but it was skillfully covered by make-up. It was a bad habit her father tried and failed to bring an end to. Ty Lee's lips, on the other hand, were warm and too-perfect. Azula never liked it when other people were perfect.

She wanted them.

No, she wanted them against hers.

Ty Lee closed her eyes and drifted towards Azula before catching herself and sitting up.

"No," Azula said as she quickly recovered. "You are not allowed to ask if something happened."

"Can I sit here?" Ty Lee asked and Azula returned her gaze to the clouds shrouding the moon.

"If you're silent," Azula said and Ty Lee put her hand over her mouth with a sparkle in her eyes.

Ty Lee said nothing; Azula was quiet.

They both knew what they almost did, but they wordlessly agreed not to discuss it.


	2. touched

_touched_

Ty Lee smelled like rain that night.

They were fourteen and fresh out of conquering the Earth Kingdom together. It was a downpour. She had gone out in it and spun for some insane reason that Azula could not explain. Azula watched from the sidelines, pretending to reign over a courtyard of half-dead weeds, instead of being a girl scared by the feelings blooming inside of her.

Azula loaned her clothes and Ty Lee didn't bother to hide herself undressing. She did bother with the tie on the robe.

"Azula, this is all knotted and I'm stuck. My hands were slippery and –"

"You tangle your braid regularly. I know. Come here," Azula said and Ty Lee pranced over to her. Azula started to undo it and there was a mutual realization of what this seemed like.

More than seemed like, because it was slowly, slowly, painfully slowly turning into what it looked like. The slight catch of Ty Lee's breath, slight blush of Azula, the moment Azula finished untying and Ty Lee touched her hand and began to move it up, up, up, painfully close.

Azula pulled away and said something sharp and cold and Ty Lee managed to tie the robe up properly as she collected herself.

It was close.

Their hearts were racing.

Azula regrets that she didn't touch Ty Lee that night.

Maybe it would have changed things.


	3. danced

_danced_

Azula was as beautiful in moonlight as she was in sunlight.

At least, that was what Ty Lee thought. They were outside of a party that was filled with politicians and other people Azula had been talking to, but now Azula was tired and she was too hot. It was a few weeks before Sozin's Comet, in the sweltering summer.

Beneath the stars, Azula tried to convince herself to go back inside.

"I have to do this so my brother does not steal my crown," she said to Ty Lee, but Ty Lee was fairly certain that Azula was just talking to herself. Ty Lee might as well have been a very pretty statue. "I do not want to do this, but the Fire Lord has to do things she does not want to do from time to time."

"You could stay out here longer," Ty Lee suggested and Azula froze. She stared at the girl who had spoken out of turn and crossed her arms. "Just a little bit. With me."

"I could be so tortured by your company that I will want to go back inside," Azula said, a teasing smirk creeping onto her face. "So, entertain me."

Ty Lee jumped up, the moonbeams now vibrantly illuminating her.

"I'm going to dance. I like the music from inside," she said and she took Azula's hand in hers. She pulled her close and Azula lingered there for a beat before pulling away.

"That sounds awful," Azula lied. "You have succeeded at convincing me to go back inside."

Azula tied up her sweaty hair and walked back to the party. She had to fight not to glance over her shoulder as Ty Lee stared after her.

They almost danced in the moonlight that night.

And a few weeks later, they regretted it.


	4. fell

_fell_

Ty Lee knew how to climb trees. Azula did not.

It was a very bright and sunny morning that stained the courtyards pink. Ty Lee snuck over after school, hidden amongst the statues, fountains and endless plants. They were nine and Ty Lee promised to teach Azula.

Azula was not a very good student but Ty Lee remained as patient with her as she possibly could.

"You're the one doing it wrong," Azula snapped after falling two feet onto the ground. She had scrapes from the bark and was one more failed attempt away from burning down the tree. No, burning down the entire courtyard. "You're trying to sabotage me so I don't do better than you."

Ty Lee swung over and hung upside down from her knees. She liked how Azula looked upside down. Or sideways. Or any angle really. Azula _only_ had good angles in Ty Lee's mind.

"I wanna help you. I mean, I'm sure you're really good at it but you just need some tips. Even the best people like tips, right?" Ty Lee beamed. Azula decided to humor her.

It made Ty Lee feel important, Azula told herself, even though she was pretty mad.

"How about come up to me?" Ty Lee asked as she clambered up to the higher branches. "This one is really sturdy. We can both sit!"

Ty Lee was excited; Azula was about as enthused as Mai would be. But the princess would not be defeated by a tree. She heated her hands and clawed her way to the top, burning the wood and stinging Ty Lee's eyes with the copious smoke.

Azula slipped. She burnt a branch too hot, it broke, and Ty Lee grabbed her by the arm.

The princess dangled. The princess hated this.

She hated that Ty Lee helped her.

"You should've let me fall! You patronize me and that should be treason!" whined a child but Ty Lee, for once, did not obey. She helped Azula up to sit by her.

"I just wanna have fun," Ty Lee insisted. She was being honest.

"Have fun that doesn't involve me nearly falling and breaking my neck next time," Azula grumbled with her small arms crossed.

Ty Lee somehow kept her face serious.


	5. ate candy

_ate candy_

Ty Lee gave candy to the princess.

Sure, it was not one of the gifts her parents _said_ she should give, but Azula could use some sugar in her life. The princess looked at it, sickened, and Ty Lee hid her tears with a wide smile.

"It's fine! That's why I got you this adorable…" She reached around the table and ripped the ribbon from her letter to her secret crush. "hair ribbon!"

Azula shoots her a pitying glance. But, against all odds, the princess took the ribbon forward and tied it ribbon over the tighter strings holding her bun in place.

"It's good." _Good_! Azula had never given such high praise for a gift. Or, well, anything.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Ty Lee coughed when she realized she was way too eager. She worried for a moment that Azula could see right through her.

Azula gave her a small glance that a more mature eye would see love in, but Ty Lee was too caught up in her own thoughts of romance that she did not notice. They were young, anyway, just children with no worries more than fleeting, blushing glances.

"You don't…" Ty Lee whispered, pushing her luck, "think that I could have the candy?"

Princess Azula shrugged. "You may, if you grovel and beg."

Ty Lee was on the gravel in an instant, nearly kissing her princess's feet.

Azula managed not to laugh.

That was plenty of sweetness for her life, without risking her father's wrath.


	6. wore yellow

_wore yellow_

"I'm trying it out," Ty Lee chimed, grinning as she spoke. "I think yellow is a friendly and positive color. It's the color of sunshine!"

Azula remembered when Ty Lee used to be quiet. Still cheery and social, but quiet. No one could understand what she was saying because her voice was too soft and she was always smiling as she spoke, so reading her lips was nearly impossible.

Now she was loud.

Azula liked her better quiet.

"I see. And you want me to try it out with you?" Azula asked, a skeptical gleam in her eyes. Ty Lee met them and felt that fluttery feeling inside of her. It was weird, and she didn't really get it, but she liked it.

"Yes. I mean, _Mai_ obviously won't wear yellow."

Azula cocked an eyebrow.

"So, I am the second choice?" she asked mockingly.

Ty Lee blushed and panicked. This fluttery feeling inside of her was very different.

"No, of course not! I just would've done it as a trio to make it less hard." Ty Lee grinned. Azula believed her.

"I will not wear yellow."

"Oh, give me _something_ please, princess," Ty Lee whined. Azula laughed. "Please, please, please. I have the cutest yellow clothes. Or, just wear the flowers. You'd look so good in one of these cors-corsairs? Corsairs is the word?"

 _Corsage_ , Azula wanted to correct, but she found it to be a waste of her time.

"I will grant you any other wish. I will never wear yellow, no matter how cutely you try to beg," Azula replied.

Ty Lee tapped her chin. "I need to think on this."

"Just be spontaneous. What do you want most in this world? I _am_ crown princess now that dear ZuZu is gone. I can get you whatever you want. Other than wearing _that_." Azula pointed at the robes with a look of distaste.

Ty Lee blushed even harder than when she said stupid words about Mai.

Maybe this was her chance.

"It's kinda stupid," Ty Lee said.

She was quiet again, Azula noticed.

"I would expect as much," Azula replied.

"Would you…" Ty Lee began to whisper even more quietly, "…kiss me?"

Azula could not hide her surprise, as she wished she could.

"Well, a future Fire Lord must be true to her word," Azula said. Her voice shook, which a future Fire Lord's should not. "That doesn't sound hard. You are attractive enough for me to do that."

Ty Lee's eyes lit up.

Azula made sure that hers did not as she leaned forward and…missed. It was her _first kiss_ and she missed, nearly falling off of her chair and into the pile of yellow clothes.

Ty Lee caught her and kissed her much more smoothly.

It was astronomically better than wearing yellow.


	7. walked on the beach

_walked on the beach_

"Do you want to go for a walk with me?" asked Ty Lee, toying with a lock of her sand-stained hair.

They were on Ember Island and everything had become complicated. Pretending that there was nothing between them became impossible, and Ty Lee wanted to make moves towards a beautiful relationship. They _could_ be together and she knew it.

Azula was less interested. She wanted it, but she did not at the same time. It was a distraction when she needed to focus, because she could not stop ruminating – she could not stop wondering about what could be.

Now they were together alone on a sun porch, and Azula was trying to keep to herself. Of course, Ty Lee barged in ready to occupy herself. Occupy herself with Azula, apparently.

"No, and I never will," replied Azula in the most callous way she could muster. It made Ty Lee openly cringe. "I have no idea why you keep trying to do whatever it is you're doing."

"I'm trying to have fun with you because I think you're fun and I think I like to have fun and I love you, you know." Ty Lee stopped when she realized the difference between saying _I love you_ when they were just friends, and saying _I love you_ when they were something else.

Ty Lee turned away from the sunlight and knelt down. She sat casually but it felt very much like a cat rolling on its back to show utter submission. Azula did not notice; she found it quite ordinary.

"Of course you do. I think perhaps we could do something together at some point in time," Azula said. She was breathless, a very rare state for her. "But I will not walk on that beach with you."

Ty Lee did not know why Azula resisted.

Azula did; she wanted to evade confronting the confusion of romantic interest in your best friend and, honestly, underling. That was not supposed to happen. Romance did not mix with what she and Ty Lee were.

So, a walk on the beach would be admitting that cold truth.

Ty Lee did not want to admit that her princess would never be hers.

She did not want to face the facts either, and neither did Azula.


	8. got cold feet

_got cold feet_

Azula had horrible nightmares last night. She still was thinking about them as she watched Ty Lee get dressed up to get married. Azula's own clothes and make-up and other finery felt wrong on her skin. This was not supposed to be happening, and she was letting it happen.

Ty Lee turned to her and smiled.

"I'm so excited! Are you so excited? I hope you're so excited!" Ty Lee beamed. She was asking for permission; Azula knew that look.

Princess Azula imagined herself standing up, grabbing Ty Lee by the arm, kissing her, and saying that she was absolutely not permitted to marry Zuko, and Azula would kidnap her if she disagreed. All of that, however, Azula kept to herself.

Like her frequent violent fantasies, it was best concealed and forgotten.

Despite the fact that she could not forget. She could not ever forget.

"You all are clearly excited. I am sure you are happy," Azula commented, standing up. She probably should run, but Ty Lee's dreadful friends were still fawning over her and giggling. Azula was on the outside looking in, as it had been for years now.

"I didn't ask if _I_ was happy," Ty Lee whispered.

Azula pretended that comment was drowned out by the _laughter_ and _chattering_ of everyone who so easily replaced the princess.

Again, Azula saw that beautiful image. She used to just take what she wanted when she wanted it, and she felt like a monster that lost its claws and teeth.

When Azula left, Ty Lee thought about going after her. She thought about calling off the wedding and eloping, but Azula did not love her back. That much was evident. Zuko loved Ty Lee; Azula did not love Ty Lee.

Zuko was close enough, and so Ty Lee pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and tried to be happy today.


	9. were bitten

_were bitten_

"It is harmless," said a twelve-year-old Azula, still seeking a stick.

Ty Lee was not so convinced. She needed _Mai_. It was completely her job to pick up, touch, possibly pet the spider-snake because Azula was definitely not going to risk her life. Mai would not care, or so Ty Lee told herself. It was comfortable to pretend she would not pass off the task to someone who hated it.

Well, Ty Lee hated spider-snakes, spider-cats, viper-bats…

She did _not_ like things with lethal fangs or gross fur or icky scales.

"I think we should be humane and let him stay in the wild," Ty Lee said, backing away from the beast. No way was she getting tangled in this.

"We need to capture him," Azula replied, at last holding up the stick. "Oh, try not to look so scared. I hate it when people are scared of little, harmless things."

"I'm not, princess," Ty Lee said, but her face told a different story. "I _love_ spider-snakes."

"I know that you're lying, but it's okay to be scared of _not_ little and harmless things like myself," Azula said, smirking. "Now, take this stick, and carefully pick him up."

"What if he doesn't want to be picked up?" Ty Lee inquired, taking the stick uneasily.

"Then he will bite you," Azula said, pointing at the poor animal that got stuck in the courtyard.

Ty Lee closed her eyes and touched the stick to the sleek snake. She heard a hiss and opened her eyes in time to see it coiling to strike. It was not enough time to move, but then it was gone. It suffered a burn and slithered away and Ty Lee turned to Azula.

"Thank you," whispered Ty Lee. "You're the best."

"I am here to protect you," Azula said, pretending she wasn't the one who suggested it.

Ty Lee was happy to pretend that too.


	10. had sex

_had sex  
_

Azula gazed at her for a little bit too long. It was a mistake, made by a girl who did not forgive her own mistakes. Ty Lee looked away. She was smart upon occasion.

"It's quiet," Ty Lee said. She wanted this situation to go away just as much as she wanted it to last forever.

"It was comfortably quiet. You had no need to interrupt with that," Azula replied, because she had a set of teeth to rival any real monster, and she only took them out when she was scared.

"You're right," Ty Lee said. She did not know, but she always agreed with Azula. The princess was smarter than her, and much too scary to ever argue with. "You're right about that."

"Yet, you are still talking," Azula said. Ty Lee realized that and grimaced. "Never mind, though, the silence will not be comfortable again."

"I mean, maybe it could be. I mean, you're probably right but you seemed to like the comfortable silence so we could try if you want," Ty Lee quickly said, blushing harder with every syllable.

Azula caught Ty Lee's eyes and decided that they both were thinking the same thing. That was terrifying on its own, but more frightening when she thought about what it meant.

Still, Azula kissed Ty Lee. It started soft, testing the waters, and then she was confident enough to wade into the darkest depths.

Ty Lee wrapped her arms around Azula, and knew it was too fast. She was embarrassing herself, but Azula was starting to take off her shirt and things were spiraling very quickly.

They kissed again and their lips broke apart. Azula kissed Ty Lee's neck and then bit down. It prompted the fire to burn brighter. Ty Lee had an easier time with her own clothes, and she touched Azula's before beginning to move backwards.

She only was nervous about doing something so bold, but Azula took that small moment to reconsider what they were about to do.

"I'm sorry," Ty Lee whispered, but it was too late to salvage her perfect fantasy of a night.

Princess Azula knew she did the right thing by pulling away. That would have been terrible if it had gotten out of hand.

Ty Lee awkwardly stared at the ground.

Azula gazed at her for a little bit too long before walking away.


	11. admitted they were lying

_admitted they were lying_

Azula was not a huge fan of the concept. Ice cream, that is. She was not a huge fan of the concept of ice cream. It was cold, it was wet, it was too sweet and too creamy and too colorful. There was no way she would have any in front of her if it were not for the girl at her side.

"It's so yummy, right, princess?" Ty Lee chirped blithely, squeezing her eyes shut and licking her pink confection.

Ty Lee hated ice cream. It hurt her teeth, it made you fat and it was way too cold. She did not like it _one bit_ but she had to pretend she loved it. For what reason, she would never be sure. Probably the same reason she pretended to love everything she disliked.

Azula sneered. "Of all of the terrible foods in this world that have now become appropriate to eat in the Fire Nation, this is probably the worst," she lied.

Okay, the ice cream was excellent. Azula really liked it.

She did not like the _concept_ , but she liked the _execution_ , or something of that sort.

Azula took a bite and considered admitting she was lying, but then some of it got on her nose.

The princess decided she hated ice cream, and that was final.

Ty Lee took a bite and considered admitting she was lying, but then she kissed the ice cream off of Azula's nose.

The Kyoshi Warrior decided she loved ice cream, and that was final.


	12. crossed the sea

_Crossed the Sea_

The sun rose as Azula and Ty Lee sat on the beach during the last days of their forced vacation. Ty Lee kept stealing glances at the princess but pretended to gaze only at the ocean. Azula had her eyes fixed on the skies.

"It looks infinite. The ocean," said Ty Lee, hoping Azula would at least acknowledge her.

Azula replied, "It is not."

"How big is it, princess?" Ty Lee twisted and turned and settled staring at Azula with warmth and love in her eyes.

"Very big, but all charted. It ends here and there," said Azula, not looking away. She never would first; she was in control.

"Who charted it?" Ty Lee asked, twisting her braid on her fingers. It worked on most, but maybe not Azula. Normal rules never applied to her.

"Explorers," said Azula, shrugging it off.

"We should be explorers, princess," Ty Lee said dreamily.

"We are better than that," Azula replied shortly, picking up a fistful of sand. "We are conquerors. Explorers look at new lands; we claim them."

"Then let's cross the ocean and start conquering," said Ty Lee and Azula laughed. "I mean it. Let's just… start swimming and see where we end up."

"We would end up dead," said Azula. "I can swim well but not that well."

"Azula…" Ty Lee whispered, trying to sound husky but just feeling foolish. "Let's cross the sea. Come on. Please, please, please, princess."

"Maybe sometime," said Azula, which was a huge gesture coming from her. She never entertained Ty Lee's wild ideas. "But I've had enough of that for a lifetime."

Ty Lee closed her eyes and lied down.

Azula did too.


	13. walked all night

_A/N: This is for Tyzula Month 2017, the prompt Midnight Walk.  
_

* * *

 _Walked All Night_

Their time together felt like a storm, like wild wind and rain, like something too big to handle but too powerful to escape. It left them breathless, yet, they never wanted to talk about it. So, they talked about other things. Ty Lee rambled on and on in her pretty, girlish voice, and, with anyone else, she would never stop talking, but she clung onto Azula's every single word, listening with all of her heart and sparkling admiration in her eyes.

Tonight, they walked across a gravel path in the middle of the night. It was dark and their path was illuminated only by the moon and stars. Ty Lee was in the middle of a story that Azula was not listening to.

As they grew further and further away from people who could see them, Ty Lee decided to take a risk. She wiped her sweaty palm on her clothes and then slowly extended it. Her heart pounded from fear as she took Azula's hand. The princess moved to pull away, but she stopped herself. Ty Lee's heart missed a beat.

They remained that way, and, side by side, they walked until just past midnight before they made their way home.

As they became nearer to the palace, Azula gently shoved Ty Lee away. They walked inside together but their unison ended as soon as they stepped through that door.

Ty Lee wished they could have walked, hand in hand, past sunrise.

Azula would never admit it, but secretly she wanted the same thing.


	14. gardened together

_Gardened Together_

"Gardening is for servants and peasants. My brother pays people to do that," Azula said, sitting down on a stone chair with her drink in hand. She had no patience for this insanity. "Ever since you lived on that peasant island you have forgotten your noble blood."

"I never was much of a noble," said Ty Lee as she knelt and began tugging at weeds. It scratched up her hands since she lacked gloves but she kept quiet about the pain since she still had hope she would convince Azula to join her. "My dad got his money late in life and all."

"Hm." Azula shrugged.

"I was gonna become a soldier 'cause we were poor," Ty Lee added and Azula shrugged again. "But you're really right to think Kyoshi Island changed me. It definitely did. They had gardens there and it was so fun. You couldn't plant in winter thought which was _so_ annoying and—I'm, I'm sorry, princess, I didn't mean to bore you."

Azula nodded. "I accept your apology."

Ty Lee started working while Azula watched with mild interest. She was more interested in studying the attractive girl she loved her whole life than looking at the dull flowers her mother adored far more than her father ever did.

(And she was daddy's little girl.)

When Ty Lee glanced up at Azula once or twice, she thought about the gardening she _really_ wanted to do with Azula.

She wanted to pluck all of the dead flowers growing in her heart and take all her sadness away and plant lovely fire-lilies and snow-lilacs covering every inch of her beautiful soul to give her all the happiness that somebody as lovely as Princess Azula deserved.

But Ty Lee did not know how to do that.

So she just tried to occasionally smile brightly enough at Azula that they would garden with each other.

But Ty Lee had no luck.

They never gardened together.


	15. were brave

_Were Brave_

If Azula could say one thing to Ty Lee, one thing without any pride involved, she would confess, _"It isn't that I never thought about us. I think about us more than I'd care to admit. But you are of flowers and rain and stars and I am of fire. We don't fit. I'm fine with that."_

Maybe she was not fine with that, but she could pretend to be.

She could pretend that she was being wise by avoiding relationships that would never work out. But perhaps it was cowardice. And, oh, how Azula hated the idea of being a coward.

Today, Ty Lee stood across from her at a crowded political event. Everything smelled so strongly of sweat and incense that it made her dizzy. Or maybe Azula was the reason her fingers felt so numb. Looking at her and worrying about whether or not she should say anything.

They barely spoke anymore.

Azula said Ty Lee had no business meddling, that she had done enough damage.

If Ty Lee could be brave, if Ty Lee could be honest, she would say the words that took her endless sleepless nights to construct. _"Show me the most damaged parts of your soul and I will show you how it still shines like the sun itself."_

She thought it was beautiful and she wanted it to be beautiful.

She wanted to charm the most incredible girl who ever lived, but Ty Lee broke her once.

If they were both brave, maybe they would understand.

Understand each other.

Understand how in love they still were.

But they never were brave, though. Even if they could fearlessly topple empires and fight powerful foes, they were cowards when it came to matters of the heart. They both were ashamed of that, deeply and truly, but they would never say it aloud.

Again, because they were cowards in this respect.

But one day, one day they almost were brave, and it could have been beautiful.

"I got you a flower," Ty Lee said, beaming and handing a wildflower to the princess. She thought maybe that was brave. It was not. It was just dutifully paying tribute.

Azula accepted it with a practiced smile and grabbed another drink.

They were both a few steps beyond tipsy.

Hopefully that would help them. It at least helped them to sit side by side at this bar.

Azula admitted, deep into her drinks, "I was broken before you. You just broke me some more. Still, you should feel terrible and it should haunt you, because you are despicable. But you weren't the first person to fuck me up."

"I wish nobody ever touched your heart," said Ty Lee, drunker than Azula.

Maybe this was the only way they could speak to each other, with the enthusiastic assistance of liquid courage.

"So do I," said Azula with a small, brief, fleeting, mirthless laugh. Ty Lee wondered if she should laugh too, but she decided against it.

"Do you think we could've been something really awesome if things didn't work out the way they did?" asked Ty Lee.

Azula told the first lie since they began drinking together. "I never think about that."

Ty Lee averted her eyes, ashamed of how often she thought about it. "I think we could've been."

"I think I don't value your opinion," said Azula. Another lie.

She could not be brave. She could not be honest.

"Yeah. Maybe we wouldn't fit," said Ty Lee, wondering if that were true at all.

"You're—" Azula almost began her little speech about what Ty Lee was made of and what Azula was made of and how those things never could fit. "You're right," she sloppily said.

"Thank you, princess," whispered Ty Lee into her drink.

They gazed at each other for a long time, both thinking about what it would be like to make love to each other tonight. To say damn all the odds and crush their lips together and go at it like gods, better than gods.

Azula stepped forward. "I'm going to be brave," she said but she was _wrong wrong wrong_. She was being a coward again, but she convinced herself otherwise as she kissed Ty Lee on the lips.

"Is this real?" murmured Ty Lee, her chest constricted. It was a beautiful kiss, if not messy and drunk. "Are we being brave tonight?"

"Yes," purred Azula.

She drank Ty Lee's worship straight from her sore lips, and chased it with a wordless finale to their explosive night of physical pleasure. On her way out, she burns the flower Ty Lee picked for her, drops the ashes on the floor and abandons Ty Lee without saying a single important word.

 _Oh, how brave I was,_ she told herself as she laid her and left her.

But she was not brave.

Almost.

Almost.

Almost.

Ty Lee sat at home and tried to tell herself she was no longer a coward because she slept with Azula, slept with a goddess.

But she was still a coward.

Coward.

Coward.

Coward.

They both knew in their heart of hearts after tonight that they would never be brave enough to tell each other the words that rattle inside of their heads at all times.


	16. found something real

_Found Something Real_

Everything in the life of Princess Azula was hollow and forced. That was the price of perfection; nothing was real, nothing at all. Nor were her hallucinations. Nor were the things that stalked her, the shadowy creatures in the night that clawed upwards until she forced herself to fall asleep.

She no longer feared them by this age. If they took her, she would not care. All she ever learned to be was a weapon. She conquered Ba Sing Se. She came up with a plan to conquer the rest of the world. Maybe her work was done.

She was a weapon. She might as well have been made of metal and matches.

Princess Azula was an _idea_ , an _object_ , and she was not real.

But she came close to finding something real. She looked at a bubblegum girl with bright happiness and dirt on her knees (Azula would never let anything soil her flawless ivory skin and well-tailored clothes). A girl who still did cartwheels at an old age of fourteen. Ty Lee was very real, very flawed, and Azula did not know why she was so attracted to that.

She needed to be a legend. She needed legendary love, not something with someone _real_.

But she liked it.

She liked Ty Lee and the dandelions in her hand and her messy braid she could never keep straight to save her life. She liked the way Ty Lee looked at her, not as a deity or weapon, but as someone who warmed her heart like fire in a hearth.

They came very close.

Azula came very close to forever holding something real in her hand.

The first real thing she would ever own.

Ty Lee.

The first real thing she would ever own would have been Ty Lee.

But, now, the day after the horrid incident at the Boiling Rock, there she lay like some common mortal, crying her eyes out over something as foolish as love. She wept and wept and clasped her hand over her mouth so no one could hear.

No one asked her why she was so sad.

No one asked her why she was pivoting into a world of the imaginary and terrifying.

It was because, for the first time in her entire life, she almost found something real.

Ty Lee was real. Kissing Ty Lee on the lips was the closest she ever came to _real_. Standing on the beach, tasting sand and sweetness as they made out in the cold night, myriad stars above. That was the first time Azula believed there was anything real in the world worth having.

But Ty Lee betrayed her.

Maybe Azula was better off with the imaginary.

Because real things die. Real things fade. Real things go away.

Azula almost found something real.

She decided to pretend that she was happier in a world of lies and illusions.

But she kept thinking about those lips, those _real_ lips.

Cruel fate took away the only real thing she ever came close to having.

Honest feelings and bad timing were the most painful combination.


End file.
